Single Mom, Dating

“Hey Mom, can Ja- … Oh wait, never mind I forgot.”

“What’s up, buttercup?”

“I was going to ask if he could come over and play because we got all our chores done and have the whole day.  But I forgot...  Remember when we didn’t get to see him for a long time, and then we did that one time when he came over and Nana was here? That was our last time.” [insert uncomfortable heartbreak pause here]

Dating with kids.  Never something I could have been prepared for, most certainly an unexpected life circumstance.  I had dated someone for a couple years after my divorced was finalized, who also had a son the same age as mine.  My kiddos adored them both.  They viewed my boyfriend as a trusted father-type figure, after he’d spent an abundance of time playing, teaching them and taking them on adventures, and saw his son like another brother to our family.  I had dragged my feet for a long time before I jumped all in to make us an official couple.  We had began as friends going through similar trials, and I was terrified a relationship would ruin that -  not only our friendship I loved dearly, but also the growing friendship between our kids.  We made a promise to each other that no matter what came of us, we would never let it dictate the relationship our kids had with each other.  But it’s a broken world we are living in, as we try to navigate the tension of what was, what is and what’s to come.

There were many broken promises I needed to heal from, but when you’re a dating parent, there is an additional side of healing that needs to happen too.  Our kids.

It’s often a question that gets asked in dating forums and between friends, when do you introduce your kids to a significant other?  (By the way, the judgement, from men and women on the topic is WILD!  Can we please be more thoughtful with each other?)  Some people have clauses in their divorce decree or custody agreements on when and how a parent can introduce their new significant other to their children. There are many details that can sway your opinion on the matter.   My kids have unknowingly experienced both sides of the coin, both being introduced early on and being kept in the dark a long time before meeting a significant other.  And here I am, still single, and what have I learned?  It doesn’t matter which way you do it.

Here’s what does matter: the relationship you make with your kids.

I knew a gentleman who grew up with a mother who dated openly and frequently, and you know what seemed to bother him the most?  His lack of attachment with his mother.  She was often distant, often leaving him to his own devices while she was swept up in hopeful romance.  I’d imagine that must feel like being 2nd best, unchosen, or even sometimes, in the way or left behind as a child.  Now that I am a single mom myself, it’s very hard for me to harshly judge this mom, who was likely hurt by the loss of her marriage, her “nuclear family” and burdened with new levels of responsibility being on her own with kids.  Understanding this dynamic, and the effects it potentially had on the child causes heartbreak in me for the both of them.  I often reflect on this when I am making dating decisions for myself.   Am I making sure I am holding enough space and security for my kids?

I also met a man who insisted on meeting my kids early.  It was a little intrusive and I was struggling to bounce back from the abandonment my kids and I had recently experienced. I felt particularly protective of my kids’ fragile hearts.  But it did open up a significant conversation between my kids and I.  I casually invited them to weigh-in on what they thought dating was and how they feel about me dating.  While I humorously felt like I was suddenly a participant in an arranged marriage process, there was also communication and trust built between us that THEY are an important part of this equation, and their feelings matter too. 

I did end up introducing this man to them early on, with their understanding that dating is for determining whether the person you like is a good fit or not for our family.  That dating is not automatically a prequal to marriage.  And that marriage is not always necessary for a happy, fairytale ending.  I also ultimately decided this was not a good match, and I stopped seeing this fellow.  When the timing was right, I had another conversation with my kids letting them know this and asked them again for their feelings and feedback.  How do you feel?  Do you have any questions?  Is there anything you would like to talk about?  And what I think is one of the most important questions, do you still want to know when I am dating someone?  It’s important for me to figure out if they felt burdened by this information, or if it helped, so I can find our ‘sweet spot’ in healthy communication.

For a long time I worried about how my kids would fare growing up in this post-divorce world full of tricky situations and sensitive circumstances kids shouldn’t need to face.  My kids though, are proving to be the most emotionally intelligent little people I’ve ever known.  They are learning life is full of highs and lows and everything in between.  They are learning that this is the case for everyone, and we are all in this and learning together.  They are growing their abilities to feel, to articulate and manage all their feels, and be in relationship with others.  I am so proud of them as they continue to grow wiser with every year that passes. 

My kids have had their big, little hearts broken.  It left them confused and sad.  I would never knowingly put them through that.  However, they did learn that sometimes life deals you a crappy hand, and we may never understand why.  But that isn’t the time to run away or let your heart turn bitter, but instead to look inward, lean on those who are there for you, and look forward to what’s to come.  While it can be challenging or worrisome dating with kids, I’m pretty confident your kids are going to be alright, as long as you first and foremost make sure to invest in your relationship with them.